A robber, a bad man, or maybe…..

Tonight around 10 pm I was standing at my kitchen sink washing dishes and out the corner of my eye I could have sworn I saw a dark figure go past the little window in front of me.  I shook it off, telling myself, “Oh I’m sure it’s nothing.” And went back to washing.  But I couldn’t help but keep glancing up and out the window.  And a few minutes later there it was again!  This time I was SURE it was a tall dark figure of a man who went quickly past my window.  I yelled for my husband who was in the next room to come, as I crossed the room to try to look out the next window.

I see the tall figure of a man rushing down our sidewalk.  Then he stops for a second, and what’s that?

What’s that he’s doing?

Did he just sweep something off my sidewalk?

That’s when I saw just enough of the jacket to know it was my DAD.

I flipped the porch lights on and off.  And I waved and he waved back.  I waited a few minutes for him to walk home, then I called my parents and told my Mom to tell my Dad that the next time someone asks him what his hobbies are he’s going to have to include, “SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF DEB !”     🙂

Now that my dad is retired, you just never know where he’s going to be.  Or when.

Now I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake anything I say.  I mean how many people love you enough to walk to your house in 19 degree weather to sweep your sidewalk because another 2 inches of snow came down since he last took a leaf blower to it earlier in the evening?  Seriously?  How many people do you know?  Exactly.

My parents are great.  And I love that my Daddy loves me enough to do sweet stuff like that.  But seriously… he needs to call and give me a heads-up first or something.  Or I’m going to have a heart attack one of these days!

See the thing about those moments is that you don’t think logically.  Had I used that pesky little thing called logic, I would know that if anybody else had even stepped foot around here, the dogs would have went completely and totally BAT SHIT CRAZY. The likelihood of anyone setting foot within 200 yards of my house without everyone knowing about it is about…. zilch.  So the chances that someone could walk down the sidewalk without so much as a peep from my family’s army of furred guards ranging from 10 lbs to nearly 200 lbs… well ….  it aint’ happenin.  And anyone stupid enough to try it well, I feel sorry for them, because if the dogs don’t get them, one of the many well-armed Veterans around here just might.  But the problem is, in the moment of standing there washing the dishes, None of that LOGICAL crap runs through my mind.  All that runs through my mind is,
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  SOMEONE JUST RAN BY THE WINDOW!!!”

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If you don’t want me to make fun of you on the internet…

Last night I told my husband, “You know, walking around shirtless in 30 degree weather wearing only shorts, big heavy black wool socks, and a pair of croc shoes, is like begging for me to make fun of you on the internet.”

🙂

FYI:  There is no accompanying photo with this post because… well he’s evil and would pay me back in a far worse way. So you’ll just have to use your imagination. 😉

At this moment…

My husband has accidentally dialed me on his cell phone without knowing it.  And I am listening to him sing along to the radio without his knowledge.  🙂  This is the second time he’s done this.  I think it’s great.  Imagine some sort of odd entertainment show that includes singing, fast food orders, and random cursing commentary about other drivers.

singing…”Easy, Easy…… lalahlah”

“Non-driving #)(@#)@#(S  #)*@)#*@)#@(!”

singing…..”lala…lalalalala”

“WOW there’s a Chevette!  An honest to God Chevette!”

back to singing….”lalalalalalala”

Random talking to himself (apparently he does that a lot).

back to singing….”lalalala….lalalala”

I put our phone on speaker and sat it on my desk.  Our 6 year old daughter came by and is now listening to him singing along with the radio and she said, “I like this.  Daddy should sing more often.”    🙂

Now as I type this he is singing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.”

Oh and he’ll just LOVE it that I am blogging this.

…  UPDATE:  He came in before I published the post, so I told him and he made the most hilarious face.
I said, “Can I photograph that face you’re making right now, for a photo to go with this article?”

He replied, “I think you’ve abused me enough for the day.”

😉

Wal-Mart Greeter

A friend of mine shared this story with me and I just couldn’t resist sharing it here.

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.  One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.  “Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well, good, you are a team player.  That’s what I like to hear.  It’s odd though, your coming in late.  I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces.  What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, Good Morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?”

🙂

That’s Emperor Punk to You!

Typically I tune out most kid conversation (i.e. conversations between my kids that don’t involve me), unless something catches my ear.  But sometimes I catch little gems like this.

Now before I tell you what she said, you must picture a little 6 year old girl saying this in a sassy and incredibly confident voice, to her 7 year old brother.

“You could NEVER run a Roman Empire!”  (in a voice that said A HAHAHAHA)

and she followed it 10 seconds later with….

“AND even if you could……  you’d still be a punk.”

A Gift that Kept on Giving

This post was inspired by thypolarlife’s recent blog post, titled Dare to Share.  Her story is way funnier, so I highly recommend you read it first.  But I told her in a comment, that her story reminded me of something that happened to me in junior high and that I would share it here.  While my story is not nearly as cringe worthy or funny…. here ya go!

One day in junior high, two of my closest girl friends said that they had a present for me.  They had put it in my locker and wanted me to be sure and stop and get it at lunch.  (One of the friends was my locker buddy.)  I could tell by the sneaky smiles on their faces that they were up to something, but I didn’t mind. I was curious.

So at lunch time we go to the locker and I pull out a poster.  It was a BIG poster, so it was rolled up and stuck inside the tall, lower portion of our locker.  As I pulled it out (still in a roll), a teacher comes down the hallway.  Not any teacher – because that’s just not how my luck works.

It was one of the strictest teachers in the school.

She says, “Hello Girls!” and waves her hand.  We all three chimed back “Hello Mrs.   ……”  and as I went to wave back, I lost my grip on the poster.  (Being a clumsy dork is not a new thing with me.)  And I managed to catch it, but only part of it.  The rest of the roll went swooshing downward till it landed on my shoes.  I was still holding the top of the poster.

Suddenly the teacher’s formerly cheery face went pale, and she gasped.  Yes, she actually… and audibly I might add… gasped.   And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh great what is on this thing.”  And I scramble to roll it back up or something – probably looking as guilty as a person possibly could while doing it.  I don’t recall if she said anything after that.  I don’t believe she did.  But I do remember the scowl of disapproval as she walked off.

It was after she was gone and my two friends started simultaneously giggling and begging for forgiveness, that I actually got to see the poster.  It was a nearly nude male model.  In a very seductive pose, with a tiny red bikini on.  He wasn’t even attractive.  And he had a look on his face as he gestured with his hand, as if he were thinking, “Look at the giant red banana sling between my legs.  Yes look upon it, it’s right there.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and I had her for class later that day.  Where I continued to get the scowl of disapproval.  A great gift really, one that single-handedly managed to change a teachers opinion of me over night.

I actually ran into this same teacher in a store awhile back.  I swear I think there was a hint of the scowl of disapproval left when she saw me after all these years.  LOL!

Yes, a gift that kept on giving.

🙂

The List of Things I Like and Don’t Like

Leave it to my kids to find a way to make me smile, even on a crummy day.

Or in this case, almost make me choke with laughter.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let me set the scene.

My son is sitting at the kitchen table, and I am doing some things in the kitchen and he is rambling 100 mph and I’m catching bits and pieces of what he is saying.  When suddenly I realize that what I just heard didn’t make any sense.

I knew he was telling me about a list that he had came up with, but the things I was hearing seemed unrelated.  So I was confused.  I said, “This is a list of what?”   He said, “A list of things I like and don’t like.”  I said, “Oh”, still a little confused by the concept.   So I asked him to repeat it.

This is what he said:

The List of Things I Like and Don’t Like

(as said by my 7 year old son)

1. Star Wars

2.  Dinosaurs

3.  Indiana Jones

4.  Science

5.  Hello Kitty -” And that’s where things start to go bad,” he said in a menacing tone.

6.  Princesses

7.  Fairies

8.  The Devil.

At this point my husband is listening as well and he says, “The devil, eh?”
And in a tone that says duh you should know this Dad, our son replies, “Well then it goes to the Devil because the devil is bad too you know.”
My husband says, “Yes, the devil is bad.”
Our son says “Well, there’s lots of bad things, but the devil is the baddest.”

“After Fairies and Princesses?”  my husband says.

“Of course.”  replies our son.

“But right after fairies and princesses, there’s nothing in-between fairies and the devil?”  my husband asks.

“Well of course DAD, but it’s not a list of everything in the world.  Duh.”

LOL   🙂