Random bits of this and that, and a free song

As I write this, it’s well after midnight and I’m more awake now than I’ve felt all day.  I have always been a night owl by nature but the past couple of years the shift off of day light savings time change, has left me worse than usual.  I find myself wanting to be completely opposite (asleep during the day, up all night).  Which obviously isn’t a workable solution, for a wide variety of reasons.  I don’t mind being a night owl, but I can’t go completely opposite of “normal”.  I find myself needing sunshine this time of year badly anyway, and it doesn’t help if you sleep through what little of it there is. But with my health issues missing out on too much sleep is very bad also.  So I try to strike some sort of balance.

Today has been a bit of a bust.  Nothing horrible.  Just a general blah, non-productive sort of day for me.  I hate those. I just haven’t had the energy or stamina to get much of anything accomplished today.  That’s the sort of day that I find extremely frustrating.

I thought I would share, if you are looking for Christmas songs, Amazon has lots of free mp3’s posted this time of year.   If you just look around.  This is not a sponsored post, nor is this any sort of affiliate link.  I just thought I’d share this with you.  I got quite a few neat little Christmas mp3s for free last year from Amazon.  And while you do have to sort through some crap to find good freebies, there are good ones on there.

I liked this version of Silent Night, by SixPence None the Richer.  That one song I linked directly to, off that album, is free right now.  I’m not sure how long that will last, but it is free at the moment.  And free is good right?  😉

Right now it’s 19 degrees outside, snowy and windy.  I can’t help but think about the two veterans I spoke of in my earlier post.  My husband went out to check on them again today.  He said the road to where they are camping out is rough and it didn’t look like anyone had been up it today.  But someone had brought them a load of firewood since he was last there.  And they weren’t out of the bottled water or canned food yet.  My husband took them some more meat for their fire today.

We wanted to make sure they weren’t out of propane yet, since those little canisters they are using to heat their tent don’t last long.  But they were doing ok.  Their spirits seem good, in spite of their circumstances.  I’m not going to share too many of their personal details here, because I haven’t asked permission to do so and it just wouldn’t feel right.  But they talked about how much they appreciate the people in this area and how much the local community has done to help them.  They are on a list for housing, but the waiting list is long.  They said some members of a local church chipped in and got them a cell phone with a few pre-paid minutes, that way they could call out if they have an emergency, and keep in contact with the VA.  My husband talked to them for a little while, but he didn’t want to keep them out of the tent for long since it is so cold out.

Advertisements

On Giving Up

This past week has been typical in my life, in that there were lots of ups and downs.  Health wise, I’ve seen some minor improvements, some set backs, and a lot more physical pain.  I don’t really care to get into great detail. I’m not really in the mood to talk about the details with anyone.

But I just want to say that if you are facing difficult times, you shouldn’t let anyone drag you down.  Especially not a doctor, who is supposed to be there to help you.  If you have no other medical options, then you may have to tolerate the person to the best of your ability. But try your best not to let them stress you out or make you feel defeated.

This past week I said to a doctor, “I just want to get better.”   To which she replied…

by LAUGHING IN MY FACE.

That’s right.  She laughed in my face as if the idea of me thinking I might possibly get better, was so stupid as to be amusing.

After this lovely and oh-so-enjoyable appointment, I got into the car with my husband kinda shell-shocked, and came home.  I bitched a little, I had a bit of a cry, and then I moved on.

Because I have three little people who count on me.  And parents that don’t deserve to have to bury another child. Those are the things that keep me going on my darkest days.  And I am not going down without a fight – no matter what some doctor says.

I am not in denial.  It would be really hard to be in denial, given my symptoms and the things that I face every single day.  But that doesn’t mean I should pretend there is no hope.  Even if everything they are saying is 100% true, it is not totally hopeless.

The idea of my children growing up without me, terrifies me.  I pray every day that does not happen.  But if it ever does, I want them to be able to say, “My mother loved us enough to fight every single day.  My mother never gave up on being with us for as long as possible.

I don’t have control over as many things as I would like these days.  But I do have control over that.

The way I see things, God made me hard-headed and stubborn for good reasons. It’s gotten me through many things in life, and it continues to aid me to this day.

I will not accept defeat.  And if I do loose, I will go down swinging.

The Beechnut

According to the Department of Natural Resources:
As the beechnut or American beech tree gets ready for winter, its leaves turn a brownish russet color and the three-sided nuts it produces are borne in prickly burs.
Because the nut is small and covered with a thin, leathery shell, sometimes people don’t take the effort to harvest it. However, they do have a delicate, rich flavor.

Most days I handle being disabled pretty well.  I am good at keeping a positive outlook and realizing just how blessed I am to be alive.  I have the ability to see the blessings in my life and not simply the struggles.

My faith gives me strength.

But there are some days, when it is harder to be the optimist.  Some days I feel like this beechnut I photographed.

Full of potential,
yet held back so much by the prickly confines of my disability.

I watch the world go by,
just like the water whirling past this beechnut.

I see all of the things I want to be doing,
and I watch them float by.

It brings a moment of sadness,
then guilt for the sadness.
I have much to be thankful for.

Perhaps someday I will be released,
and be able to meld my life experiences in a way where I can enjoy the things of my past – yet hold on to the appreciation that I have for those things now.

The beechnut either rots in its prickly shell,
or it makes it out and can go on to live so much more.
Some even become a tree.
Some grow tall and strong.
Some make more beechnuts.

Then it hit me,
perhaps I’m already a tree and I just don’t realize it.

~ ~ ~

My pants are growing!

Ok… not really.
The truth is, I am shrinking.  But one of the more interesting aspects of weight loss (for me) has been the issue of growing pants.  I have lost so much weight that my pants just get longer and longer.  Luckily for me my mother is super sweet and has hemmed many of them for me.   But many are just beyond the point of being able to tailor and continue to wear.

Today I decided to try on a pair of pants that formerly fit me (eek!) .  The result was pretty surprising.  They are now so big on me that the waistband comes over my chest.  My husband told me that all I need is some straps and I’d have a really funky looking clown suit.  (Thanks Babe!)  The sight of me in these pants is so amusing, that I thought about taking a photograph of it.  But then chickened out and opted for an illustration instead.

😉