On Giving Up

This past week has been typical in my life, in that there were lots of ups and downs.  Health wise, I’ve seen some minor improvements, some set backs, and a lot more physical pain.  I don’t really care to get into great detail. I’m not really in the mood to talk about the details with anyone.

But I just want to say that if you are facing difficult times, you shouldn’t let anyone drag you down.  Especially not a doctor, who is supposed to be there to help you.  If you have no other medical options, then you may have to tolerate the person to the best of your ability. But try your best not to let them stress you out or make you feel defeated.

This past week I said to a doctor, “I just want to get better.”   To which she replied…


That’s right.  She laughed in my face as if the idea of me thinking I might possibly get better, was so stupid as to be amusing.

After this lovely and oh-so-enjoyable appointment, I got into the car with my husband kinda shell-shocked, and came home.  I bitched a little, I had a bit of a cry, and then I moved on.

Because I have three little people who count on me.  And parents that don’t deserve to have to bury another child. Those are the things that keep me going on my darkest days.  And I am not going down without a fight – no matter what some doctor says.

I am not in denial.  It would be really hard to be in denial, given my symptoms and the things that I face every single day.  But that doesn’t mean I should pretend there is no hope.  Even if everything they are saying is 100% true, it is not totally hopeless.

The idea of my children growing up without me, terrifies me.  I pray every day that does not happen.  But if it ever does, I want them to be able to say, “My mother loved us enough to fight every single day.  My mother never gave up on being with us for as long as possible.

I don’t have control over as many things as I would like these days.  But I do have control over that.

The way I see things, God made me hard-headed and stubborn for good reasons. It’s gotten me through many things in life, and it continues to aid me to this day.

I will not accept defeat.  And if I do loose, I will go down swinging.


That’s Emperor Punk to You!

Typically I tune out most kid conversation (i.e. conversations between my kids that don’t involve me), unless something catches my ear.  But sometimes I catch little gems like this.

Now before I tell you what she said, you must picture a little 6 year old girl saying this in a sassy and incredibly confident voice, to her 7 year old brother.

“You could NEVER run a Roman Empire!”  (in a voice that said A HAHAHAHA)

and she followed it 10 seconds later with….

“AND even if you could……  you’d still be a punk.”

A Gift that Kept on Giving

This post was inspired by thypolarlife’s recent blog post, titled Dare to Share.  Her story is way funnier, so I highly recommend you read it first.  But I told her in a comment, that her story reminded me of something that happened to me in junior high and that I would share it here.  While my story is not nearly as cringe worthy or funny…. here ya go!

One day in junior high, two of my closest girl friends said that they had a present for me.  They had put it in my locker and wanted me to be sure and stop and get it at lunch.  (One of the friends was my locker buddy.)  I could tell by the sneaky smiles on their faces that they were up to something, but I didn’t mind. I was curious.

So at lunch time we go to the locker and I pull out a poster.  It was a BIG poster, so it was rolled up and stuck inside the tall, lower portion of our locker.  As I pulled it out (still in a roll), a teacher comes down the hallway.  Not any teacher – because that’s just not how my luck works.

It was one of the strictest teachers in the school.

She says, “Hello Girls!” and waves her hand.  We all three chimed back “Hello Mrs.   ……”  and as I went to wave back, I lost my grip on the poster.  (Being a clumsy dork is not a new thing with me.)  And I managed to catch it, but only part of it.  The rest of the roll went swooshing downward till it landed on my shoes.  I was still holding the top of the poster.

Suddenly the teacher’s formerly cheery face went pale, and she gasped.  Yes, she actually… and audibly I might add… gasped.   And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh great what is on this thing.”  And I scramble to roll it back up or something – probably looking as guilty as a person possibly could while doing it.  I don’t recall if she said anything after that.  I don’t believe she did.  But I do remember the scowl of disapproval as she walked off.

It was after she was gone and my two friends started simultaneously giggling and begging for forgiveness, that I actually got to see the poster.  It was a nearly nude male model.  In a very seductive pose, with a tiny red bikini on.  He wasn’t even attractive.  And he had a look on his face as he gestured with his hand, as if he were thinking, “Look at the giant red banana sling between my legs.  Yes look upon it, it’s right there.


Oh, yeah, and I had her for class later that day.  Where I continued to get the scowl of disapproval.  A great gift really, one that single-handedly managed to change a teachers opinion of me over night.

I actually ran into this same teacher in a store awhile back.  I swear I think there was a hint of the scowl of disapproval left when she saw me after all these years.  LOL!

Yes, a gift that kept on giving.


The Beechnut

According to the Department of Natural Resources:
As the beechnut or American beech tree gets ready for winter, its leaves turn a brownish russet color and the three-sided nuts it produces are borne in prickly burs.
Because the nut is small and covered with a thin, leathery shell, sometimes people don’t take the effort to harvest it. However, they do have a delicate, rich flavor.

Most days I handle being disabled pretty well.  I am good at keeping a positive outlook and realizing just how blessed I am to be alive.  I have the ability to see the blessings in my life and not simply the struggles.

My faith gives me strength.

But there are some days, when it is harder to be the optimist.  Some days I feel like this beechnut I photographed.

Full of potential,
yet held back so much by the prickly confines of my disability.

I watch the world go by,
just like the water whirling past this beechnut.

I see all of the things I want to be doing,
and I watch them float by.

It brings a moment of sadness,
then guilt for the sadness.
I have much to be thankful for.

Perhaps someday I will be released,
and be able to meld my life experiences in a way where I can enjoy the things of my past – yet hold on to the appreciation that I have for those things now.

The beechnut either rots in its prickly shell,
or it makes it out and can go on to live so much more.
Some even become a tree.
Some grow tall and strong.
Some make more beechnuts.

Then it hit me,
perhaps I’m already a tree and I just don’t realize it.

~ ~ ~

Once upon a time…

I lived in a location with excellent utilities.  Now…. not so much.  Did I move?  Nope.   The utility companies just keep increasing and increasing their rates, while the service they provide declines at a rapidly alarming rate.

For years when I was a kid and young adult, the electricity might go out up here…. 2 times a year or so.  Now it’s typically 2 or 3 times a month, or more.  It was so bad awhile back that my husband joked that he felt like he was back in Iraq where they ration out electricity for certain hours of the day.

It didn’t used to be this way.  AEP (American Electric Power) used to maintain the lines.  Now they don’t.  So every time the wind blows or a tiny storm rolls through, stuff falls on the lines and takes out the power. The company has openly admitted that they don’t maintain the lines anymore like they used to – preferring to deal with outages as they occur instead of investing the money on keeping them safely clear.  The problem with this is that then when we have a real storm – like last winter – we end up with massive outages, and massive needs for repair.  Creating a situation where the local crews cannot handle all of the work and they have to bring in out of state workers – which costs a bundle.  Then they use each of these occurances as an excuse to apply to the Public Service Commission for another rate increase.  Dragging in BIG profits, and whining about how they spent all this money on big storm XYZ, and now they need another great big rate increase.  Yet, if they had simply done their job (the way they used to) maintaining line clearance, there wouldn’t have been nearly as much damage that needed fixed.   And of course the Public Service Commission approves the rate increase.  It screams of a scam to me.  And I don’t know who the Public Service Commission is working for – but I’m fairly certain it isn’t “the public”.

For someone with breathing issues like me, a power outage can be life threatening.  So it is a lot more serious than a simple inconvenience.

Anyway…. so far the power has only flickered during the storms we are having today.  But lots of friends above & below us are out.  And our phone is all messed up again.  (Third time this week.)  The phone service has been horrible for the past 2 years.  Verizon was trying to get out of providing land line service here (working on getting a deal approved for Frontier to take over – which they have now done).  So they were (in my opinion) doing the bare minimum in terms of repairs.  Which means the phone goes out – a lot.  A new development this month, is that it rings when it rains.

The rings are either super short or really long, and there is never a caller on the other end.  Then the phone goes out all together.  The last time this happened a large percentage of us up here ended up without any phone service at all.  So I suspect that is what is about to happen again.

What is amusing about this, is our 11 month old who is just toddling about is both fascinated and confused by the frequent, oddly ringing phone with no real call coming through.

She keeps toddling over in the direction of the phone saying, “I get it!  I get it!”

Which comes out more like, “I gettit!  I gettit!”   LOL

It is particularly amusing when combined with her awkward toddling, and the fact that when she reaches out – she looses her balance and plops down on her diapered butt.

Let’s just say the way things are going I think there are a lot more, “I gettits” in our future.    LOL